Sarah, so sorry for your friend, and so lovely you are honoring her in this way.
For me, everything fell away on February 6, 2016. I sneezed, one of my vertebrae in my neck displaced, and I didn't turn my head for a year. My body unraveled, one system after another going into dysfunction. I haven't driven more than an hour, gone on a walk or been out of severe pain since, let alone danced/skiied/done pottery, like I used to.
I was 33. Sometimes I feel 80, sometimes I still feel early 30s, somehow I feel sorta 40ish, but not with the usual trappings of mortgage and steady job, made impossible by disability.
I had to fill my life with new things. Hikes turned into tiny outings outside, sitting on benches and watching birds. Going out with friends turned to morning teas and coffees, the time of day I feel the best now. I lost a lot of people, usually just to my inability to keep up all my friendships, and I gained a few true-blue ride or dies. I filed my work down to essentials.
I had to do a ton of therapy, because there wasn't room for the luxury of carrying past trauma on top of so much physical pain.
But before all that, I resisted. I *tried* to go on little hikes anyway, tried to make it out with friends, tried to keep working full time, and it spectacularly failed.
I say when things fall away, let them. Let new things fall into place.
"I say when things fall away, let them. Let new things fall into place." So beautiful! Reminds me of Leonard Cohens, "There is a crack in everything/ That's how the light gets in", though I didn't realise when I first heard this song the thing that was going to crack were out literal bodies!
Thanks for sharing! I also had an out of the blue change which resulted in many life changes, and resonated a lot with your resisting changes before accepting them and letting things fall away, and letting new things fall into place
I'm so sorry you're going through this. I totally agree with your last point though, sometimes certain things are meant to fall away and sometimes it's difficult to let them go. But once we do, there's a great deal of peace, a simpler life and a greater appreciation for the small things that remain.
I went through my "fall away period" in 2016-18 (mid-30s) when I went through my divorce, got laid off, and had a series of debilitating injuries/medical debt. The pandemic was really the first time that I was really able to pick things back up - the things that were available, that is.
Now that I'm approaching my mid-40s, I'm seeing things a little differently. My issue is that there's just too much of everything I want to do, see, and experience all the time and I have to be really discerning about not burning myself out in the process. I could take myself to a different protest, volunteer for a different mission I feel passionate about, or work on any of the projects I've got going, professional or otherwise, every night of the week. I believe it was Mark Manson who once said "If it's not a fuck yes, it's a no."
Here are some of my "fuck yes" things:
*Sunday morning gathering at my church (similar to UU but not officially affiliated)
*Brunch, a hike, and watching shows guilt-free with my partner afterwards
*Tuesday evening gathering with progressive-minded folks in my small town
*Therapy for myself and my kids
*Volunteering and organizing for the pro-public education PAC I helped found
*Any opportunities I get to travel
Things that aren't a "fuck yes"' and therefore are subject to my energy level/weather/mood:
*going out to dinner with family/friends
*34579 political marches because crowds overwhelm me
*other church activities - I love the people but it's too much back-and-forth on a weeknight
*side hustles and freelance projects
*trivia nights, networking events, and any other forced extroverting
Yes, it's important to live an active life - but as Sarah teaches us to "put our money where our happy is" it's just as imperative to "put your time where your happy is" too!
I love this list and I love that you know yourself well enough to name everything that is and isn't a FUCK YES! It's a great idea to make a list like this as it really puts things into perspective. Thanks for the idea :)
Sarah, I am about to turn 40 later this year (...in May actually), so as a woman in her mid-to-late 30's, I just want to say thank you for writing this. I've been a follower of yours for years, and you always seem to write something I need to hear at just the right time for me. I want to enter my 40s filled with intention and carry it through. I am scared of this decade, it's the oldest I have ever been, and I know it is going to have in it a lot of scary and sad times. But I am also going to keep myself open to all the positives and happiness too. For me, it is going to be about focusing on quality over quantity.
I really appreciate you saying this, kind stranger. I know I was really nervous about my 30's too, so it might just be a decade thing. My 30's were so brilliant, ignoring that pandemic we had, but personally, the 40's are gonna have some big boots to fill!
Age is just a mindset anyway, right? Sure, you MIGHT experience a few more aches and pains, but the wisdom and lived-experience accumulated at this stage of life are worth it!
This morning I was talking to a new friend, who is maybe 10-15 years older than me, after yoga class, and she was telling me about her husband's sudden death a few years ago.
As she talked, I found myself thinking "Soon enough, more and more of my friends will be facing this kind of loss."
Then it hit me - actually, soon enough, it will be US - me included - who will be the ones who fall away.
I'm down to a small smattering of elder relatives (both parents are gone and 7 of my 10 biological aunts/uncles have passed on.) At 47 so much has already fallen away for me (I lost both parents young, got a divorce, etc) but more is falling away, all the time. It just seems to be picking up speed.
What I'm doing is living life as fully as I possibly can. Saying "yes" to more people and more experiences, continuing to try new things. I just opened a tea shop in the same yoga studio where I was chatting with my new friend this morning. I know very little about retail and honestly not nearly as much as I wish I did about tea, but while I'm living, I'm learning. My brain doesn't absorb new information quite as readily as it did in my 20s but it still thrives on novelty and deep dives into new passions. Use it or lose it, right? Similarly, I am trying to remember to keep moving my body because I've noticed that when I stop moving it, things go haywire in it.
Sooner or later it all falls away, but while we are here, we are still here.
This is the perfect post for today because it is my birthday which is my personal new year. The times in my life where I needed to "fill back up" were less about age and more about location. In my college days I transferred to as a junior so I started over with friends. After college I moved from Washington Dc to Sacramento (very briefly) and then back to the Bay Area and it took me a while to find my people again. Then I moved to Portland where I needed to find friends again. When we finally settled in Sacramento and decided we were staying I made it a point to find local friends and not rely on my spouse's college pals.
Since 2020 I have a standing Zoom date on Saturdays at 11am with one of my oldest friends. We talk about everything and nothing. We see each other a couple times a year in person, but having regular conversations means I know all the office gossip, what she's planning for dinner and how she's surviving the elder care + kid in their 20s launch simultaneously. Sometimes we talk about cute boys from 7th grade and other times what kind of world we are leaving to my daughter. The regularity can not be beat for deepening a relationship.
Filling my life up almost always means I am volunteering for a cause that is close to my heart. It means going to a gym or studio to do group exercise and chatting with the regulars. Since 2023 I have instituted Friend Friday. That can be doing something with a pal in person or a phone date. It can be a walk with someone I've been meaning to get to know or someone I want to deepen a relationship with. These dates don't always happen on Fridays, but I try to have them planned by Friday. I also go to Creative Mornings in my city and use my library regularly.
Last year I challenged my very introverted self to attend 12 ticketed events. I went to the movies, to a concert with a friend, a concert by myself, a conference with a friend and a conference on my own, I went to some author talks and some community events usually by myself because I don't want to wait to live my life while others have other commitments.
I love this intention! Doing this will also require letting some other, less helpful things and mindsets fall away, which is the crux of rediscovering time and a full life if the reason it’s fallen away is due to our own life choices.
Upon reflection, I’ve been doing the same, but more subconsciously- joined the symphony orchestra chorus this year, which was my first time singing in a choir since 1996 (!!!), tried a pickleball league, liked it and signed up again, blocked off a day each week to golf with my dad or friends this spring, kept hosting the holiday parties even when the novelty had worn off for me, but knowing friends and family now plan on those fun events…
But all of those things are only possible for me because I don’t have kids, I’ve spent the past couple years regaining my physical health and I have my own business where I can easily flex my schedule to accommodate my whims.
The most important lesson here for others is that I’m “late 40’s” and 10 or even 6 years ago Me was nowhere close to this lifestyle but 5 years ago I chose to lean into the idea that life COULD be this way and slowly started shifting my outlook, which was the most impactful shift needed. It didn’t happen overnight, and it wouldn’t have been possible earlier in life for many practical reasons and full transparency: being married helps.
We all suffer comparison-itis and in my work as a financial coach/money mentor, I frequently have to level set with clients on where I was at their age so they can see that where I am now is possible for them too, even if it doesn’t seem like it today. These deliberate attempts to shift our lives take time, there are no rules so you’re allowed to be like “oh, I actually hate choir now!” and you can’t hold on to a fantasy that it will EVER be like it was back then… our memories are faulty anyway! But with the right combo of privilege, luck, courage and mindset shift, we can change our lives to be full and satisfying again.
Thanks for this thoughtful perspective on an important part of Weird Rich Aunt energy!
Many, many condolences for your friend, and this is such a lovely way of remembering them. I'm still finding my Goldilocks zone (thinking about this as cultivating and curating - but in a "curated for living", not in the "curated for looking good on Instagram" sort of way), but am really looking forward to reading the rest of the comments
Yes! I'm also here but still in my thirties. My mother passed away when I was 28 and losing her accelerated this sense of urgency and this desire for community that so often accompanies grief.
Sarah, you are tuning in to what you want to say yes to!! (Can't help but smile at the "Yes & Yes" energy of this!) And as others have spoken to in the comments life seems to be a balance of accepting + allowing things to fall away *and* intentionally choosing what to pour energy + time + resources into!
My life definitely feels smaller in my 40s between aging, chronic pain, recovering from burnout, and other shifts. I celebrate the smallness in many ways and grieve it in others.
As a former over-extender, I also am giving some reflection to the idea of an "empty" life. I love that I don't say yes to everything anymore, but I do recognize there's a bit more space to "fill" with intention. Yet, I don't believe that staying small or saying "no" more than I say "yes" would equate to me having an "empty" life. Anyway, lots more to chew over there! :) I also recognize this reflection is sprouting from my embrace of "less is more" that has really served me as I've aged (and managed the capacity of my body), as well as my tremendous desire to not burn out again or reject the very human needs for rest, quiet, and stillness. Such a balancing act!
You just explained to me what I told my eldest daughter that I am so depressed about I just didn’t have the right words to express what I have been feeling. I am in my mid 60s, widow for 10 yrs, 2 brother passed this yr along with parents yrs ago. Not living close to my kids and grands…. You get the picture. Oh let’s throw in crappy long winter. Reading this gives me hope for what I can do to change this time in my life.
i'm sorry for your loss <3 it's true that as we get older, losses accrue. how could they not?
i'm someone who has always liked to have a lot of empty space in my life. time to drink tea and stare out the window, time to putter around with my plants, time go to the thrift store or host a friend or nibling spontaneously.
but sometimes it does lead to feel like there's not enough going on, and that time gets filled with scrolling, tv, and other not super healthy for me pursuits. meanwhile, many of my friends and family seem to have so much going on that it stresses me out to even hear about it all! wild.
i've found that where i live makes a huge difference to being able to find that balance between not enough and too much going on. when i lived in colorado for a few years, i was so freakin lonely and it seemed so much harder to make friends there than anywhere else i'd ever lived! moving back to pittsburgh to be closer to my people definitely tipped the scale in the right direction.
but then i moved to a house that was up a million flights of stairs and had a gorgeous view for staring out the window, but not much space for parties, and i started to feel isolated again.
now i'm in a place where i can stare out the window and throw parties and i'm excited about it! it feels like a good blend between positive and negative space.
Such an important reminder. Thank you for writing this and I'm sorry about the loss of your friend.
For anyone who has young kids, you know how lonely it can be. It's also extremely fulfilling so it's kind of a mind F that way.
Anyway, I've struggled keeping up with old friends since becoming a mom. My husband and I have moved around a lot and it's easy to let old relationships fall away. But I've come to realize 2 things about friendships now in my forties:
1. The ones worth holding onto are the ones that feel like no time has passed when you see them again. I have a dear friend who I see only every 2 years and each time we meet up it feels like just yesterday I last saw her. It's still comfortable, familiar and warms my heart every time.
2. I need to send more voice notes. Texts just don't have the same effect
This prompted me to reach out to my close friend who lives on the other side of the country to schedule a FaceTime session. As I work towards leaving my 8-5 corporate job to teach swim lessons and spend more time with my daughter, filling up my time with things that fulfill me has been on the top of my mind!
Sarah, so sorry for your friend, and so lovely you are honoring her in this way.
For me, everything fell away on February 6, 2016. I sneezed, one of my vertebrae in my neck displaced, and I didn't turn my head for a year. My body unraveled, one system after another going into dysfunction. I haven't driven more than an hour, gone on a walk or been out of severe pain since, let alone danced/skiied/done pottery, like I used to.
I was 33. Sometimes I feel 80, sometimes I still feel early 30s, somehow I feel sorta 40ish, but not with the usual trappings of mortgage and steady job, made impossible by disability.
I had to fill my life with new things. Hikes turned into tiny outings outside, sitting on benches and watching birds. Going out with friends turned to morning teas and coffees, the time of day I feel the best now. I lost a lot of people, usually just to my inability to keep up all my friendships, and I gained a few true-blue ride or dies. I filed my work down to essentials.
I had to do a ton of therapy, because there wasn't room for the luxury of carrying past trauma on top of so much physical pain.
But before all that, I resisted. I *tried* to go on little hikes anyway, tried to make it out with friends, tried to keep working full time, and it spectacularly failed.
I say when things fall away, let them. Let new things fall into place.
This is such a great reframe and reminder, Kira. Thank you so much for sharing. <3 <3
"I say when things fall away, let them. Let new things fall into place." So beautiful! Reminds me of Leonard Cohens, "There is a crack in everything/ That's how the light gets in", though I didn't realise when I first heard this song the thing that was going to crack were out literal bodies!
Thanks for sharing! I also had an out of the blue change which resulted in many life changes, and resonated a lot with your resisting changes before accepting them and letting things fall away, and letting new things fall into place
I'm so sorry you're going through this. I totally agree with your last point though, sometimes certain things are meant to fall away and sometimes it's difficult to let them go. But once we do, there's a great deal of peace, a simpler life and a greater appreciation for the small things that remain.
I went through my "fall away period" in 2016-18 (mid-30s) when I went through my divorce, got laid off, and had a series of debilitating injuries/medical debt. The pandemic was really the first time that I was really able to pick things back up - the things that were available, that is.
Now that I'm approaching my mid-40s, I'm seeing things a little differently. My issue is that there's just too much of everything I want to do, see, and experience all the time and I have to be really discerning about not burning myself out in the process. I could take myself to a different protest, volunteer for a different mission I feel passionate about, or work on any of the projects I've got going, professional or otherwise, every night of the week. I believe it was Mark Manson who once said "If it's not a fuck yes, it's a no."
Here are some of my "fuck yes" things:
*Sunday morning gathering at my church (similar to UU but not officially affiliated)
*Brunch, a hike, and watching shows guilt-free with my partner afterwards
*Tuesday evening gathering with progressive-minded folks in my small town
*Therapy for myself and my kids
*Volunteering and organizing for the pro-public education PAC I helped found
*Any opportunities I get to travel
Things that aren't a "fuck yes"' and therefore are subject to my energy level/weather/mood:
*going out to dinner with family/friends
*34579 political marches because crowds overwhelm me
*other church activities - I love the people but it's too much back-and-forth on a weeknight
*side hustles and freelance projects
*trivia nights, networking events, and any other forced extroverting
Yes, it's important to live an active life - but as Sarah teaches us to "put our money where our happy is" it's just as imperative to "put your time where your happy is" too!
These are such great things to be saying fuck yes to!
I love this list and I love that you know yourself well enough to name everything that is and isn't a FUCK YES! It's a great idea to make a list like this as it really puts things into perspective. Thanks for the idea :)
Sarah, I am about to turn 40 later this year (...in May actually), so as a woman in her mid-to-late 30's, I just want to say thank you for writing this. I've been a follower of yours for years, and you always seem to write something I need to hear at just the right time for me. I want to enter my 40s filled with intention and carry it through. I am scared of this decade, it's the oldest I have ever been, and I know it is going to have in it a lot of scary and sad times. But I am also going to keep myself open to all the positives and happiness too. For me, it is going to be about focusing on quality over quantity.
Thank YOU for reading and following along for so long, Brid! <3
Don't be scared! The 40's are the best so far (in my humble opinion)
I really appreciate you saying this, kind stranger. I know I was really nervous about my 30's too, so it might just be a decade thing. My 30's were so brilliant, ignoring that pandemic we had, but personally, the 40's are gonna have some big boots to fill!
Age is just a mindset anyway, right? Sure, you MIGHT experience a few more aches and pains, but the wisdom and lived-experience accumulated at this stage of life are worth it!
So true <3
This morning I was talking to a new friend, who is maybe 10-15 years older than me, after yoga class, and she was telling me about her husband's sudden death a few years ago.
As she talked, I found myself thinking "Soon enough, more and more of my friends will be facing this kind of loss."
Then it hit me - actually, soon enough, it will be US - me included - who will be the ones who fall away.
I'm down to a small smattering of elder relatives (both parents are gone and 7 of my 10 biological aunts/uncles have passed on.) At 47 so much has already fallen away for me (I lost both parents young, got a divorce, etc) but more is falling away, all the time. It just seems to be picking up speed.
What I'm doing is living life as fully as I possibly can. Saying "yes" to more people and more experiences, continuing to try new things. I just opened a tea shop in the same yoga studio where I was chatting with my new friend this morning. I know very little about retail and honestly not nearly as much as I wish I did about tea, but while I'm living, I'm learning. My brain doesn't absorb new information quite as readily as it did in my 20s but it still thrives on novelty and deep dives into new passions. Use it or lose it, right? Similarly, I am trying to remember to keep moving my body because I've noticed that when I stop moving it, things go haywire in it.
Sooner or later it all falls away, but while we are here, we are still here.
Oh, Meagan. What a kind, thoughtful reply. Thank you so much for sharing. <3
This is the perfect post for today because it is my birthday which is my personal new year. The times in my life where I needed to "fill back up" were less about age and more about location. In my college days I transferred to as a junior so I started over with friends. After college I moved from Washington Dc to Sacramento (very briefly) and then back to the Bay Area and it took me a while to find my people again. Then I moved to Portland where I needed to find friends again. When we finally settled in Sacramento and decided we were staying I made it a point to find local friends and not rely on my spouse's college pals.
Since 2020 I have a standing Zoom date on Saturdays at 11am with one of my oldest friends. We talk about everything and nothing. We see each other a couple times a year in person, but having regular conversations means I know all the office gossip, what she's planning for dinner and how she's surviving the elder care + kid in their 20s launch simultaneously. Sometimes we talk about cute boys from 7th grade and other times what kind of world we are leaving to my daughter. The regularity can not be beat for deepening a relationship.
Filling my life up almost always means I am volunteering for a cause that is close to my heart. It means going to a gym or studio to do group exercise and chatting with the regulars. Since 2023 I have instituted Friend Friday. That can be doing something with a pal in person or a phone date. It can be a walk with someone I've been meaning to get to know or someone I want to deepen a relationship with. These dates don't always happen on Fridays, but I try to have them planned by Friday. I also go to Creative Mornings in my city and use my library regularly.
Last year I challenged my very introverted self to attend 12 ticketed events. I went to the movies, to a concert with a friend, a concert by myself, a conference with a friend and a conference on my own, I went to some author talks and some community events usually by myself because I don't want to wait to live my life while others have other commitments.
I love the idea of Friend Friday! Thank you so much for sharing this!
I love this intention! Doing this will also require letting some other, less helpful things and mindsets fall away, which is the crux of rediscovering time and a full life if the reason it’s fallen away is due to our own life choices.
Upon reflection, I’ve been doing the same, but more subconsciously- joined the symphony orchestra chorus this year, which was my first time singing in a choir since 1996 (!!!), tried a pickleball league, liked it and signed up again, blocked off a day each week to golf with my dad or friends this spring, kept hosting the holiday parties even when the novelty had worn off for me, but knowing friends and family now plan on those fun events…
But all of those things are only possible for me because I don’t have kids, I’ve spent the past couple years regaining my physical health and I have my own business where I can easily flex my schedule to accommodate my whims.
The most important lesson here for others is that I’m “late 40’s” and 10 or even 6 years ago Me was nowhere close to this lifestyle but 5 years ago I chose to lean into the idea that life COULD be this way and slowly started shifting my outlook, which was the most impactful shift needed. It didn’t happen overnight, and it wouldn’t have been possible earlier in life for many practical reasons and full transparency: being married helps.
We all suffer comparison-itis and in my work as a financial coach/money mentor, I frequently have to level set with clients on where I was at their age so they can see that where I am now is possible for them too, even if it doesn’t seem like it today. These deliberate attempts to shift our lives take time, there are no rules so you’re allowed to be like “oh, I actually hate choir now!” and you can’t hold on to a fantasy that it will EVER be like it was back then… our memories are faulty anyway! But with the right combo of privilege, luck, courage and mindset shift, we can change our lives to be full and satisfying again.
Thanks for this thoughtful perspective on an important part of Weird Rich Aunt energy!
Yes! Such a good reminder that a) these shifts take time b) like with most things money and having someone else to share the load with helps!
Many, many condolences for your friend, and this is such a lovely way of remembering them. I'm still finding my Goldilocks zone (thinking about this as cultivating and curating - but in a "curated for living", not in the "curated for looking good on Instagram" sort of way), but am really looking forward to reading the rest of the comments
Yes! I'm also here but still in my thirties. My mother passed away when I was 28 and losing her accelerated this sense of urgency and this desire for community that so often accompanies grief.
<3 <3
Sarah, you are tuning in to what you want to say yes to!! (Can't help but smile at the "Yes & Yes" energy of this!) And as others have spoken to in the comments life seems to be a balance of accepting + allowing things to fall away *and* intentionally choosing what to pour energy + time + resources into!
My life definitely feels smaller in my 40s between aging, chronic pain, recovering from burnout, and other shifts. I celebrate the smallness in many ways and grieve it in others.
As a former over-extender, I also am giving some reflection to the idea of an "empty" life. I love that I don't say yes to everything anymore, but I do recognize there's a bit more space to "fill" with intention. Yet, I don't believe that staying small or saying "no" more than I say "yes" would equate to me having an "empty" life. Anyway, lots more to chew over there! :) I also recognize this reflection is sprouting from my embrace of "less is more" that has really served me as I've aged (and managed the capacity of my body), as well as my tremendous desire to not burn out again or reject the very human needs for rest, quiet, and stillness. Such a balancing act!
<3 <3 <3
You just explained to me what I told my eldest daughter that I am so depressed about I just didn’t have the right words to express what I have been feeling. I am in my mid 60s, widow for 10 yrs, 2 brother passed this yr along with parents yrs ago. Not living close to my kids and grands…. You get the picture. Oh let’s throw in crappy long winter. Reading this gives me hope for what I can do to change this time in my life.
i'm sorry for your loss <3 it's true that as we get older, losses accrue. how could they not?
i'm someone who has always liked to have a lot of empty space in my life. time to drink tea and stare out the window, time to putter around with my plants, time go to the thrift store or host a friend or nibling spontaneously.
but sometimes it does lead to feel like there's not enough going on, and that time gets filled with scrolling, tv, and other not super healthy for me pursuits. meanwhile, many of my friends and family seem to have so much going on that it stresses me out to even hear about it all! wild.
i've found that where i live makes a huge difference to being able to find that balance between not enough and too much going on. when i lived in colorado for a few years, i was so freakin lonely and it seemed so much harder to make friends there than anywhere else i'd ever lived! moving back to pittsburgh to be closer to my people definitely tipped the scale in the right direction.
but then i moved to a house that was up a million flights of stairs and had a gorgeous view for staring out the window, but not much space for parties, and i started to feel isolated again.
now i'm in a place where i can stare out the window and throw parties and i'm excited about it! it feels like a good blend between positive and negative space.
Such an important reminder. Thank you for writing this and I'm sorry about the loss of your friend.
For anyone who has young kids, you know how lonely it can be. It's also extremely fulfilling so it's kind of a mind F that way.
Anyway, I've struggled keeping up with old friends since becoming a mom. My husband and I have moved around a lot and it's easy to let old relationships fall away. But I've come to realize 2 things about friendships now in my forties:
1. The ones worth holding onto are the ones that feel like no time has passed when you see them again. I have a dear friend who I see only every 2 years and each time we meet up it feels like just yesterday I last saw her. It's still comfortable, familiar and warms my heart every time.
2. I need to send more voice notes. Texts just don't have the same effect
This prompted me to reach out to my close friend who lives on the other side of the country to schedule a FaceTime session. As I work towards leaving my 8-5 corporate job to teach swim lessons and spend more time with my daughter, filling up my time with things that fulfill me has been on the top of my mind!
I needed this. Reading this was like walking into a new door. Thank you!